Change For A Nickel

It’s Monday afternoon and I’m at home sick. I was feeling a bit nauseous on my way to work and it was down hill from there. I was back on the bus heading home an hour after I got to the office. I think the culprit was probably a chicken wrap I had from Pizza Capri yesterday so notice to all DON’T EAT AT PIZZA CAPRI!! Anyway, I came home, took a nice long nap (after a nice long visit to the bathroom!) and am feeling much better.

Now I’m up and about and why oh why did I turn on the TV? There is barely anything to watch in the evenings when I get home from work but I often forget that programming during the day is on an almost surreal level of baseline, lowest denominator crap. I almost clicked on Jerry Springer but thought, no, I’ve grown out of Jerry Springer. But I came across The Jim Bakker Show. I was highly curious if this was the same infamous Jim Bakker, former husband of my beloved Tami Faye and co-host of the extremely popular religious variety show PTL?? OMG! It sure the fuck was!! And what was he proselytizing about this time, you might ask?? Well, it looked like he was trying to profit while preaching again. Nothing new for a televangelist. But it was what he was selling. A rock. Yes, I shit you not. A rock in a velvet bag inside a mini mahogany chest. Now this was not just any old rock. No, no! It is supposedly a rock mined from Mount Calvary. And how do we know it is from the famed mount? Well, it comes with a letter of authenticity, that’s how we know! For the paltry sum of $133.00 you can own a rock, in a bag, in a box. All major credit cards accepted. This offer to share a piece of a rock that Jesus was purportedly crucified on continued for over 20 minutes. So let me get this right. The man was convicted of skimming money from his former ministry (not to mention bankruptcy) and put in jail for a few years. Now he’s out of jail with a new ministry and selling stuff… again. God bless Christians because they are most forgiving (or stupid). Enough about him. My stomach is acting up again. I need to get some of that herbal medicine I bought from a man on the street who told me it would cure most any ailment.