Change For A Nickel

It’s Monday afternoon and I’m at home sick. I was feeling a bit nauseous on my way to work and it was down hill from there. I was back on the bus heading home an hour after I got to the office. I think the culprit was probably a chicken wrap I had from Pizza Capri yesterday so notice to all DON’T EAT AT PIZZA CAPRI!! Anyway, I came home, took a nice long nap (after a nice long visit to the bathroom!) and am feeling much better.

Now I’m up and about and why oh why did I turn on the TV? There is barely anything to watch in the evenings when I get home from work but I often forget that programming during the day is on an almost surreal level of baseline, lowest denominator crap. I almost clicked on Jerry Springer but thought, no, I’ve grown out of Jerry Springer. But I came across The Jim Bakker Show. I was highly curious if this was the same infamous Jim Bakker, former husband of my beloved Tami Faye and co-host of the extremely popular religious variety show PTL?? OMG! It sure the fuck was!! And what was he proselytizing about this time, you might ask?? Well, it looked like he was trying to profit while preaching again. Nothing new for a televangelist. But it was what he was selling. A rock. Yes, I shit you not. A rock in a velvet bag inside a mini mahogany chest. Now this was not just any old rock. No, no! It is supposedly a rock mined from Mount Calvary. And how do we know it is from the famed mount? Well, it comes with a letter of authenticity, that’s how we know! For the paltry sum of $133.00 you can own a rock, in a bag, in a box. All major credit cards accepted. This offer to share a piece of a rock that Jesus was purportedly crucified on continued for over 20 minutes. So let me get this right. The man was convicted of skimming money from his former ministry (not to mention bankruptcy) and put in jail for a few years. Now he’s out of jail with a new ministry and selling stuff… again. God bless Christians because they are most forgiving (or stupid). Enough about him. My stomach is acting up again. I need to get some of that herbal medicine I bought from a man on the street who told me it would cure most any ailment.

“…Get rid of him [Bush]! Get rid of this administration (as my eyes roll in the back of my head while I seethe with anger and sadness at the thought of another soldier or another Iraqi being killed because of this president!)!! Two more years of this?! I’m sorry. I thought I could, but I just can’t wait that long!”

Above are the rantings of a mad man from a recent e-mail… me! I’m still mad and it’s time to do something about it. If you are sick of this war, sick of your civil right being whittled away, sick of people being tortured and the list goes on… Then I urge all of you to check your calendars and take October 5th off work or ditch school to join an all day protest organized by The World Can’t Wait. I will be taking the day off to let my voice be heard. If you are in Chicago give me a call or shoot me an e-mail and we could meet up.

http://www.worldcantwait.net/

Dear Abby,

Let me start off by saying that I like my job and the team I work with. I’m a consultant at another company and my office is in one of their buildings. Well, it’s not really an office. It’s a drab cubicle circa 1970. Oh, and I’m off the main thoroughfare. So about 1/2 the people in the building go past my cube in a day. That’s a lot of foot traffic! I actually like working there because I’ve been a contractor at other companies and they let you know you are a second class citizen every day! Ya’ll Razr holders should know who I’m talkin’ about. Anyway, I have been experiencing a most disturbing problem. Folks have been stealing from me!!

Mind you, I don’t keep a lot of crazy stuff in my cubicle. It’s all basic stuff. Well, except for the picture of North Korea’s Kim Jong Ill being shot off into space and jet fumes at his feet. The caption reads “Rocket Man”. I get a chuckle out of that every time I see it. But let’s get back to the problem at hand. Within the past few weeks I have had my air freshener stolen, my mouse pad, my highlighters (that one really pissed me off!!) and just yesterday my calculator! I put up a sign that says ‘Stealing is against company policy’ but it doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t want to lock up everything! I hate thieves (unless it’s pirate software, that’s different ). What can I do about these low life Mo-fo’s who are treating my cubicle like a free market office stand before I lose it and go postal?!

In Need of a Billy Club in Niles

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness….”

I am not a lawyer nor do I play one on TV. However I am concerned about maintaining our civil liberties. It is my belief that these liberties must not be compromised in the face of foreign or domestic threats. One headline that hit the airwaves yesterday was the finding by a Canadian inquiry board that determined Maher Arar, a Canadian citizen was innocent of any terrorist activities. Let me fill you in here. This man was kidnapped (I can’t think of a better word) and questioned by US officials while at the JFK airport. Then rendered to Syria of all places (aka extraordinary rendition) where he was interrogated and tortured. He remained imprisoned for over a year. He was not able to see his family or seek council. What the fuck?!!

One of our fundamental liberties (and I believe inalienable rights) is the right to habeas corpus. Basically, it’s the right of the accused to know what the hell he’s been thrown in jail for! It’s another one of those Magna Carta things from back in the 13th century which we happened to adopt in our Constitution. The current CIA program which has been detaining people at Guantanamo and other locations around the world seem to be sidestepping this fundamental right. Current legislation which would amend the CIA program still does not deal with habeus. I do not believe that we can continue to ignore the fact that we are keeping people in jail indefinitely without so much as a reason why. This seems to fly smack in the face of what our Constitution is all about. It is not just for some and suspended for others. I believe this is a direct violation of the rule of law which is a cornerstone of how we govern and are governed. How do we as a nation propose to lead the world in these tumultuous times and set the example if we can not follow our own laws? And if we can not follow our own laws then why should any other nation follow their laws. The war on terror is but one moment in time in our long history of conflict. We can not enact laws that violate our Constitution for simple convenience in dealing with this current threat. Our Constitution is a living document that must maintain it’s integrity.

My favorite bar, Streetside has been kind of lame lately. Recently they fired two very cool guys. I’ve been around bars long enough to know high turnover is the nature of the business but I’m mildly boycotting the place anyway. I thought it would be a good opportunity to venture out of my sheltered neighborhood and get back to my gay roots! It didn’t take me long to find my new Saturday night bar! Cocktail, a bar I have always had a fondness for but it never really reciprocated that fondness. They just hired a new hunky bartender who doesn’t have attitude. What!?!? I’m just as shocked as you are! I also chatted with several cool guys. So I’m going to give the place another chance.

Besides, I’ve given that pseudo straight bar, Streetside several years (and thousands of dollars!) and haven’t found a husband in there yet. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve found several “Oh, I’m straight” guys and the next thing you know we are having breakfast. But that gets old after a couple of dozen times…

The other good thing about my pseudo boycott is that I just go straight home after work. No after work beer! Remember, I’m trying to ween myself off beer (With the exception of football!!). I’m sure I will return to my regularly scheduled drinking at Streetside but for now it’s nice to take a break and see how my peeps in boyz town have been doing. Going back to an old gay bar is like buying laundry detergent. It’s like I slapped a new and improved sticker on my chest even though everything is still the same.

It’s Sunday morning and I’m doing what I do most Sunday mornings. Recovering from a potential hangover. I say potential because I’m still a little dizzy from last night and that always has the potential of becoming a massive headache. I have been trying to give up another guilty pleasure, beer drinking. Summer is always filled with massive amounts of beer drinking because, well, it’s fucking summer! You can’t go to all the street festivals, free concerts, kickball games, etc. without downing a six pack! It’s just not done. But summer is winding down and now is the chance to get this monkey off my back! No more beer drinking!!

But wait a minute… One season may end but another begins! In my experience, Fall has never been one of those seasons that sneaks up on you. My hay fever won’t let it. No, fall usually smacks me in the face like a jilted lover. Basically Fall says, “I’m back, bitch!” And nothing says fall like October Fest and Football!! You can’t do either without beer!! Yes, I’m one of those fags that loves football. And I love the Bears! You can’t watch football without having a tall mug of beer by your side. It’s just not done! I think I’ve given up enough already. I gave up smoking, I gave up soda. I gave up Italian Beef for Christ sake!!!! What am I supposed to do, drink water and eat paste?! No, the buck stops here! I gotta’ have that beer with my Bears! If I have a little beer belly then so be it. It’s getting cold and a little lining around the gut will keep me warm during the brutal Chicago winter. Am I justifying my weakness for beer? You’re damn right! Go Bears!!!!

It’s about a week after Labor Day and the seasonal changes are happening right on queue as they have done for my entire 40 years. I could be kept in a room with no windows or doors and I would always be able to tell what time of year it is by one simple factor. My nose! As soon as I feel it get stuffy and my eyes start to puff and water that means one thing. It’s hay fever season! It does not matter if the summer is mild or if there was a drought. To my recollection it has had NO effect on my personal suffering. The intensity of my seasonal misery remains constant. I doubt if even the specter of global warming will have any effect. But if some scientist gave a report that stated one of the side effects of global warming would be reduced allergens then I would stop recycling and drive my car more often just for a modicum of relief!

I’ve tried all manner of over the counter and prescription drugs. They all work for a moment but after a while I might as well have a prescription for candy! Last year I was squirting some over the counter stuff up my nose that worked but I found I had to squirt more frequently than was prescribed on the bottle. After three weeks of shooting this stuff up my nose I decided to read the warnings. Found out I shouldn’t use it for more than three days and that it worsens the symptoms and may be addictive! So I had to throw away the case I had just bought. No, just kidding! But it does show that the cure can be worse than the illness! After many years of this I have found that the only thing that matters is getting a good nights sleep. A shot of vodka at bedtime usually does the trick!

Politicians (Republicans and Democrats) often use words and catch phrases in such a way to serve their purpose regardless of the original meaning of the word/phrase. Next thing you know, Jed’s a millionaire and it becomes part of our collective lexicon. Before the Republicans got hold of the word liberal I’m sure it wasn’t that bad to be one!

Came across this in one of the (many) newsletters I read.